I read an article not too long ago about how men are genetically designed to be persistent in their hunt toward mating.  That the drive to spread their seed has produced the idiot at the bar, the mall, the office, the coffee shop, with the relentless, constant approach.   The idea being its a numbers game.  He knows he’s going to get turned down, but the more he asks, the greater his chances get for actually landing what he’s fishing for.  If a dude has a .1 percent chance, all he has to do is approach 1,000 females and he’ll land one of them.  So they do.

Or they’ll just ask the same woman 1,000 times.  Same logic right?

Not on this side of the fence.

Over the years I have found myself in uncomfortable situations, having to wriggle out of an inappropriate situation or gently turn someone down.  There are some that believe that this is just the fate of being female.   As a female my logic in my methods in turning these men down seem very sound.  I have three ways of handling the situation.

1)  Logically outline how the situation is not feasible.   Maybe you work together or he’s married or engaged to someone else (this is my favorite in the long line of inappropriate male attention), or maybe he’s Persian and lives with his family in Iran, just to name a few that I know of from experience.   No matter what you say, you will be agreed with that, yes, these things are in fact true.  Cannot be argued otherwise.  However, for some reason, these things are not obstacles to men.  Hey if things work out, the job is worth the risk, the other woman can be gotten rid of, or I would be happy all the days of my life being pampered like a princess in some foreign hostile land halfway around the globe from everything I know and love.  And when you try to explain how these things are not appealing to you and that you completely disagree, they simply tell you you are wrong, or that they can change your mind.  NOW you say no.  But you are saying no to how you will never change your mind, and men know such few things about women, what they do know they hold on to as sacred law: women always change their minds.  So now, you have presented both hope and a challenge.

2) Directing their attention to another woman.  “Maybe you should ask Mary out.”  or  “whatever happened between you and Ann, maybe you should give it another try.”    Man, is this the worst possible approach.  For the longest time I thought it was solid.  Just veer his attention elsewhere.  Set him up with someone else and get him off your back.  Why this does not work: by presenting the option of another woman being interested you have now unwittingly shown you believe he is worthy and attractive.

3)  Putting it on myself.  “This is not a good time in my life right now.”   Job, just broke up, health, school, mother on the death bed, whatever the reason, you do not have time for that right now.  And probably that’s true.  But let’s be very honest with ourselves, ladies: if the right man came waltzing in to your chaotic life and asked to join it, you’d probably make room.  Well . . .   most of us would.  I have to admit, I probably would miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.  I am the girl who turned down a date with her high school heart throb because of an anatomy test she needed to study for.    And the girl who tried to shake the guy that ended up being her so-called college boyfriend because she didn’t feel she could get him “scheduled in.”  He was very arrogant and persistent and made a reasonable argument for giving it a try.  But I was entirely annoyed at first.  And that does NOT condone the continued persistence of others.

But back to my point with number three.   I am always honest, sincere, and I think, firm, in this approach.    But thinking like a woman, trying to keep from making a scene or hurting anyone’s feelings, kept me from saying the words that needed to be said: No.  Not Now.  Not Ever.

I have to add the not ever bit, because you might sell them on the not now, but now is only right now. Tomorrow things could be different!   So . . .   in a week, a month, 6 months, it always comes back to bite you in the ass.  Even if it is a situation that the possibility is there, never say its a possibility.  Never hint it.  Never give hope.  You just turned a pesky situation into a bloody never ending nightmare.

I cannot count the times I ask the question: “Why can’t men just take a hint?”  To me I have said it loud and clear and they still are not getting the message.  Well . . .  there isn’t anything wrong with men (in this instance).  The fault does not lie on them.  I can’t spend my entire life waiting for the male race to wake up and “get it”.  I need to change my behavior, and my words, to get my message across.

I was manhandled by a gentleman tonight.  An acquaintance.  I had made the mistake in hoping I had made things clear previously.  But clearly had not.  In one evening I used all three tactics and watched them fail before my very eyes.  I even flat out said “just friends”, but that probably falls into  hope and the ‘females change their minds’ category.  After trying to lay things out gently I was manhandled.    He was not abusive or forceful beyond my capable deterring hands, but it was embarrassing and uncomfortable to be paid attention to in such a manner that was unwarranted and unwanted.

Embarrassing and uncomfortable for me.  Not for him.  Never again.  Next time I will not attempt to spare the feelings of another and risk the comfort and safety of myself.  Next time the words “Brian, I have no interest in you.  Not now.  Not ever” will come boldly forward.  Of corse it won’t be this Brian.  I will never see him again.  The next man who tries to embrace me against my will, will more than likely get punched in the face.  I will have already said no and if “no” isn’t clear enough, maybe THAT will send the message.